If you’ve been living under a rock, then you might not know that the *amazing* Halsey recently released a track called “Without Me” (view video at the bottom) in which she sings about a toxic relationship. She stated that it was a “mix” of relationships she’s had in the past, with some stories from friends, but I definitely think it’s solely about G-Eazy, but I digress.
The lyrics are pretty much all amazing and oh-so relatable, but there’s one or two lines that stand out for me the most:
Just running from the demons in your mind
Then I took yours and made ’em mine
This spoke so deeply with me because it’s something I do all the time in relationships, with partners, friends, and family. I take on their “demons” and make them mine, making it easier to push everything going on in my life aside. For example, I have a slew of mental illnesses that one couldn’t even count on two hands, yet whenever one of my friends has a minor inconvenience or is experiencing an episode themselves, I immediately stop what I’m doing to focus on them. A very close friend of mine just texted me that she wanted to jump off her building this morning (but ended up going to her Doctor instead, thankfully), and I instantly dropped all the work I was doing to try and talk her off the figurative ledge. I went on and on about how she needed to see someone (girl had been going through some SHIT) and needed to fix her meds, etc. I even went as far as suggesting she go and check herself into a psych ward, if only for a few days, to get her situation sorted out and get her meds/therapy back on track.
This quickly brought me back to the afternoon where this, almost exact, thing happened to me and my therapist had to almost 302 me into a psych ward right before Thanksgiving (around this time about five years ago). I thought she was insane and 100% out of her mind. Eventually I succumbed, but it wasn’t without push back. And even then, I thought I was ok enough to leave the facility early and ended up in the hospital just days later after an accidental overdose…Again, I digress.
While at times I can live a crazy life with the ups and downs of my mental illness, I will always take on the “mother” role when it comes to my friends, partners, and family. I completely ignore my own issues, putting them on the back burner to look at at a later time, or maybe never. I know it’s a coping mechanism, but it’s who I am. I’ve said this time and time again, “I wouldn’t wish what I go through on a daily basis onto my worst enemy,” and I stand by that. The torment of the mind is a terrible thing, especially when there is nothing that can really be done about it aside from medications that don’t always work and therapy sessions that goes around in circles.
It’s just who I am. Even in rehab I would push my fellow residents to complete their tasks and meals, as I sat there, blatantly disobeying my orders because I couldn’t fathom letting go. Sometimes I fear I’ll always be like this and push my feelings and issues to the side in order to help others, and I still can’t figure out if that’s the worst thing in the world? I know I need to take care of “me” but there’s nothing wrong with helping others, right?
Why do I, or we, deem our issues to be of less importance and put others before ourselves? More importantly, why do (sometimes) our so-called “friends” allow us to do so?
Here’s the fabulous song and video for your watching pleasure: