Recognizing When You Need Help

This may be one of the hardest things to do in life. We are constantly at a battle with ourselves, yet find it impossible to ask for help, even for the smallest things. We want to be able to do it ourselves and be proud, yet the journey ultimately leads to stress, anxiety, and even more harmful effects.

“I don’t want to burden anyone,” “I can take care of this myself,” “I need to be able to do this myself,”are some of the many mantras that go through my mind on a daily, maybe even hourly basis. It’s scary asking for help – it’s admitting defeat and letting go of all control. However people can simply push this thought away and keep turning it back into “I’m fine,” when what they really mean is “I’m not ready for help.”

Let me tell you: you will never be ready. You can wait to hit rock bottom all you want, but if you’re in it deep enough, rock bottom never comes until it smacks you in the face and the consequences are severe. I discovered this about two years ago when I suddenly broke down and my parents forced me into the hospital. Well, I “obliged” when my doctor said I could drop dead at any second, even though I was still in denial, and I couldn’t bare to see that look in my mother’s eyes again. So I did my time and in 6 long weeks I was released back into the real world. But was I ready? Technically I should have stepped down to a lower level of care, but my same mantra of “I can take care of this myself” slowly crept back into my mind.

I could go on and on about my achievements and struggles over the past few years, but the point of this post is I’m coming at the crossroad again of wondering if I really can or cannot do this on my own. While I do have a team of doctors (therapist, psychiatrist, pcp), there’s only so much they can do. They can’t be with me every second of the day, watching my every move. Unfortunately, I know I need that. I need someone to figuratively hold my hand throughout the day and push me when I don’t want to be pushed and fight me when I fight back.

I’ve taken the necessary steps to understand how I can get help, regarding short term disability for work and looking into various centers, which is huge considering my past denial and refusal to give up my job. But what is next? That’s up to me and me alone.

The question still remains, “do I need it or can I just do it myself?”

2017 is Just a Sunday

“Can’t wait until 2017!”

“2017 is my year!”

“So done with 2016!”

I hate to break it to you, but January 1, 2017 is this Sunday, and I 100% promise you it’s going to be just like every other Sunday you’ve had for the past year, minus the fact that you may have off on Monday.

Sure, you may have “new goals” for yourself, which I clearly don’t believe in (as stated here), but you’ll still be the same person. Truth be told, there are a lot of things about 2017 that I’m not looking forward to:

  1. Trump will be sworn in as our President
  2. Sweet little Joe Biden will leave us
  3. I have 3 major conferences to deal with at work
  4. My company’s largest conference is in June, which means my work load is about to quadruple
  5. I’ll be testing out a new medication (which could go either way, good or bad)

Sure, good things may come with 2017:

  1. I could (hopefully) get a promotion at work
  2. My lease is up in July and I want to move to the city (or a city)
  3. I’m hoping to plan a few trips throughout the year (my good friend is getting married in Austin, so that’s already a trip set)
  4. I want to start volunteering
  5. I’ll be testing out a new medication (which could go either way, good or bad)

But these are all “maybes” because I don’t know what’s going to happen after Sunday, except the next day will still be Monday, then Tuesday, and so on. Also, some of these things aren’t dependent on the fact that it’s a new year. I could start looking at volunteer opportunities right now (if I wasn’t feeling so lazy).

Maybe I’m just being my usual cynical self, but I just don’t get it. Come Sunday morning, I’ll be the same person, and so will you.

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Via Happy New Year Store

When did We Lose Ourselves?

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Via GIFY

I was sitting outside last night, smoking a cigarette, and as I watched the smoke float up into the air, I thought, why do I do this to myself? Because it feels good? Sure, but how long does that actually last? For me, maybe a few minutes or a few hours, depending on my level of stress. For others, it could be different. But it wasn’t the cigarette I was concerned about, it was the general idea of why we do terrible things to ourselves?

Drinking until blacked out; inflicting physical pain; inflicting emotion pain, starving; throwing up; binge eating; self-deprecation; doing drugs; the list goes on. We do these things to feel better or maybe to escape, but is that the actual outcome? Does it last? Hours, days, months, even years later, do we actually feel better or free from our problems? If it’s consistent, then maybe the answer is yes. I can attest to many of these actions helping me to cope with various issues, but when it comes down to it, at the end of the day my problems are still there and I’m left with mental and sometimes physical scars.

Some people aren’t able to ever stop and see the other side. I’ve straddled that line many times, and may be doing so right now. It’s hard to see and even harder to sit down with yourself and ask “why?” The hardest part, in my opinion, is learning that reason, or that there is no real “reason,” and trying to figure out how in the hell to stop and find a better way to cope. That’s the place I’m in and I’ve been in multiple times. You’re in limbo, not sure where the light is at the end of the tunnel, or if it even exists. I like to believe it does, but I’ve yet to see it.

I know it’s much more complicated than the things I’ve written here, because I’ve lived it. I’m still living it. But I still beg the question:

Why do we find it so easy to destroy ourselves?

New Year, SAME Me

Whip out your steno pads, fresh 2017 calendars, journals, and any other surface with which you can scribble down your New Year’s Resolutions! Diet? YES! Organization? YES! Exercise? YES! Be less of a bitch? Meh, maybe not. What incredible and outlandish goal will you create for yourself come January 1? How do you even begin to choose? If you’re like me, you just don’t. Plain and simple.

People make extravagant, ridiculous goals and resolutions for themselves, only to fail and ultimately feel like shit. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve said that I was going to diet starting January 1, only to find myself crying over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s on January 7; I’ve signed up for gym memberships and cancelled them six months later; I’ve created lists of 30 books to read by the end of the year and found myself scrambling to finish book number four come December. Why was I setting myself up to lose? How was this added pressure in my life making it any better? And WHY did I have to put a timeframe on it? I was getting nowhere, up until a few years ago.

I could say it was a “chilly afternoon in mid-December” when I came to this realization, but in reality it was probably just some random day when I was bored AF, just trying to find things to think of that would provoke a panic attack. Classic me.

During that time, I decided that I would make goals for myself whenever I felt it necessary with no dead-set timeline (you will always need some sort of timeline or nothing will get done).

Consider a few weeks ago: A friend of mine let me borrow a book of hers that I had to read. Well, it’s been sitting on my dresser ever since, with piles of shitty jewelry covering the title. I saw it there as I was cleaning my room (a simple weekend goal I set for myself) and remembered I had an unfinished book on my kindle, along with three others that I NEEDED to buy during the Amazon Kindle sale (don’t ask). I told myself, “yo, read the damn book.” I paused my desire to read this new book, to go back to an old desire to finish the other book. So I picked up my Kindle and placed it on my coffee table. Granted, it’s been there a few days, it’s there and it crosses my mind every time I walk by. Actually, I’m looking at it right now and thinking I should probably get to it once I’m done writing.

Most importantly, I’m not putting any unnecessary pressure on myself. I’ve already had a glass of wine, so I’m kind of tired, but I’m also not too tired to pick it up and read a few pages (clicks? I don’t know the proper wording for the use of a Kindle). Sure, I may make another excuse not to read the book tonight, but I’ll forgive myself. I didn’t say my plan was fool-proof. But sometimes life happens. Why didn’t I read the original book in the first place? Because life happened. I purchased the book right before I had three crazy work projects due and two vacations coming up. Naturally I forgot about it. But at this moment in my life, work has died down a tiny bit and (unfortunately) I don’t have any upcoming trips.

The whole “New Year’s Resolution” thing might work for some people. More power to you! But if you’re like me and struggle to complete the simple task of reading a damn book, consider making smaller goals as you move throughout life. Things change and you should be able to change with them.

As I always say, to each his or her own. But sometimes, my way is better.

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Via Reaction GIFs

Okay so…

So maybe “I’m back” wasn’t quite the best way to start off. I think “I’m Almost Back” probably would have went over a little better.

It’s only been 16 days, so like, whatever. Sorry guys. I’m the worst, I know. Sometimes it’s hard to find the time to write in your critically acclaimed blog. Just kidding, like every 20-30 year old has a blog and they find all the time in the world to write. My problem is a compilation of things from my brain being to fried after work, sheer laziness, and honestly, a lack of creativity in knowing what to write. BUT (a big one, unlink my own), I did say, somewhere back in the abyss of 2015, that I was going to write here about anything that came to mind, just to brush up on my skills. And here I am, acting like I have nothing to write about. Psshh. Impossible.

So much has happened since I last wrote here, so that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about. It may not be interesting or always as hilarious as my natural self, but it’s going to be something: something deeper maybe? I’m not sure. But hopefully, just maybe, it may improve my ability to form coherent sentences.

I can’t tell you when I’ll write my next post, but I’m hoping to aim for once a week. I know, I know, I’ve said all this before, and maybe I’m lying again. I won’t find out until I try. So cheers to me trying to get this thing going again.

*As always, constructive criticism is always welcomed. Note I said constructive. I’m not a genius people and I don’t respond well to anger, even though as a person, I may be one of the angriest people alive.

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via GIPHY

Side note: I really need to revamp the look of this thing because it is down-right boring and ugly as all hell. 

The Zen Den Coffee Shop

 

I’m currently sitting in the most quaint little coffee shop, The Zen Den, in the borough of Doylestown, PA while waiting to go to an interview that I happen to be 2 hours early for.

This place is amazing and I can totally understand why the devoted Starbucks clan from across the street are leaving for a more “zen” experience. 

As soon as you walk in you are welcomed with the aroma of non-burnt coffee, old books (one of my favorite smells) and a slight herbal scent. There is also a waterfall installment on the wall that accompanies the faint music playing from a set of unseen speakers. There is a sign above the coffee counter that says “Don’t worry, our staff is accustomed to dumb questions” which obviously makes me even more comfortable. That’s all just upon first walking in. Once you take a look around is when you truly fall in love.

The “den” is complete with various couches, chairs, a filled bookshelf, a fireplace and, my favorite, a random piano. I’m currently sitting on a bench-turned-couch with my back to the window and my coffee mug on another wooden bench, more narrow. I feel welcomed. I feel at home and relaxed, despite the caffeine pumping through my veins.

Finally, the staff. I stumbled in wearing heels and work attire, unlike the rest of the crowd, and was immediately welcomed. I said I had never been here before and jut asked, “can I just have…a coffee?” The girl at the register laughed and asked if I liked light or dark roast and if it was for here or to go. “For here” meant that I got my coffee in a mug, like at home. The best part? It was only $2.39. When was the last time you paid that little for a coffee that actually tasted good? Never. And the coffee is great.

I’m so glad I found my way into this “zen den” with all this time on my hands so I can fully take in the calming atmosphere. I will definitely be frequenting again soon. Aka on Thursday when I have to come back to the area.