When did We Lose Ourselves?

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Via GIFY

I was sitting outside last night, smoking a cigarette, and as I watched the smoke float up into the air, I thought, why do I do this to myself? Because it feels good? Sure, but how long does that actually last? For me, maybe a few minutes or a few hours, depending on my level of stress. For others, it could be different. But it wasn’t the cigarette I was concerned about, it was the general idea of why we do terrible things to ourselves?

Drinking until blacked out; inflicting physical pain; inflicting emotion pain, starving; throwing up; binge eating; self-deprecation; doing drugs; the list goes on. We do these things to feel better or maybe to escape, but is that the actual outcome? Does it last? Hours, days, months, even years later, do we actually feel better or free from our problems? If it’s consistent, then maybe the answer is yes. I can attest to many of these actions helping me to cope with various issues, but when it comes down to it, at the end of the day my problems are still there and I’m left with mental and sometimes physical scars.

Some people aren’t able to ever stop and see the other side. I’ve straddled that line many times, and may be doing so right now. It’s hard to see and even harder to sit down with yourself and ask “why?” The hardest part, in my opinion, is learning that reason, or that there is no real “reason,” and trying to figure out how in the hell to stop and find a better way to cope. That’s the place I’m in and I’ve been in multiple times. You’re in limbo, not sure where the light is at the end of the tunnel, or if it even exists. I like to believe it does, but I’ve yet to see it.

I know it’s much more complicated than the things I’ve written here, because I’ve lived it. I’m still living it. But I still beg the question:

Why do we find it so easy to destroy ourselves?

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Disease/Disorder

It really irks me when scholars, doctors, and damn insurance companies separate the term disease from disorder. I get that there are differences, but many disorders cause diseases. I know that technically there is no real scientific evidence, but I still think it’s bullshit and everyone should agree with me. The end.

eye probz

Almost everything I do involves the use of a screen (computer, phone, ipad, tv, etc.) and my eyes are PISSED about it. The pain is real. I wish my eyes would just adjust to the obnoxiously bright LEDs and stop objecting by creating an intense burning sensation. A girl can only buy so many bottles of eye drops! Someone fix this. Please and thank you.

BTW: Systane Balance “Restorative” drops are the tits.